I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
How do you like your Corgi?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.