my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots