Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You Might Also Like
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
We like the way Dwight thinks