They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
They got Raph!
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
There is no “we” in pizza
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot