“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Oh, I bet you would be
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?