Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore