What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
me logging onto twitter
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
This meal prepping shit is easy
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.