“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one