How about I get 100% off by already being there
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool