Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.