my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
when you order from DoorDastardly
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?