*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars