dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?