5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Is this a threat?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized