“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My therapist after every session
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.