Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*