My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!