You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Nomnomnomnom
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends