How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality