My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
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Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
*jingles half the way*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
it’s the silliest best thing
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.