“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Phonetics
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to