Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Meeeee too!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.