*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park