Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
You Might Also Like
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
me working on my assignments ^-^
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???