Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me too, bag. Me too….
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.