If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
#Caturday
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.