A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.