My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?