My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.