Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.