yeah 馃槶
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won鈥檛 squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Cryptocurrency, but it鈥檚 just dead people buying stuff.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
everyone has that one prude friend
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
me: it鈥檚 tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don鈥檛 work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I鈥檝e reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.