My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You Might Also Like
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything