”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.