*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.