I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
i- i did not expect this
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.