My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters