WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it