Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud