*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.