[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.