I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
this could fix me
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.