I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS