Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
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My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos