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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
When he asks for feet pics
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*