[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Good morning!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.