{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
School be like
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry