Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You Might Also Like
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Spring cleaning checklist…
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
ok hear me out: Luigiana
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone