A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
at ease…shoulder.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.