“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂