No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.